|THE FIRST SHIKSA WANTS
TO BE A YENTA? OY!By ANDREA PEYSER
Friday August 6, 1999
All this time, Hillary, you've been playing the Super Shiksa. Mousy suits. Sensible heels. Pearls, yet.
And how you kept that thin little mouth buttoned while that husband of yours indulged his "weakness" - your word - from the Oval Office to the Rose Garden like nobody's business.
And with a Jewish girl. Oy!
Hillary. Bubbe. Why didn't you tell us before?
What? You can't speak the truth? Little Miss I'm-First-Lady-and-You're-Not, you think you're better than the rest of us?
So now we know. Your grandma - a shiksa, OK, you can't have everything - was married to a nice Jewish gentleman. A nice Jewish gentleman who spoke the mother tongue. Yiddish! I'm kvelling, Hillary, kvelling.
So, this Yiddishe gentleman was your grandma's second husband. So he wasn't your grandpa. So what! He's still family.
Your grandma even had a daughter with this man. A Jewish daughter! Your aunt. Well, your half-aunt, but who's complaining?
Hillary, Hillary. You should be wearing a sheitl under that Yankee cap. You're practically a member of the tribe!
Pssst. Do you think this branch of your family might know a nice Jewish boy for you? Hey, I'm just asking!
Why didn't you tell us before?
Well, I can understand why you didn't want anyone to know that your step-grandfather and half-aunt were Jewish. You and that husband, running for national office. Meshuggeneh people from Des Moines don't know from Jews. Who needs the tsuris?
But now, you want to be senator from New York. Senator! Ladies these days think they can be senators. Gevald. What next? A mohel?
But you're a smart cookie. So go be a senator, and God bless. Maybe in the Senate you can find a nice husband and settle down.
I've got to admit, when you talked about giving the Arabs a piece of the Holy Land, you almost fooled me into thinking you don't care much for your people. I read about this in "Women Who Love Too Much." You were in denial about your roots. Denial!
So then I pick up a copy of that nice newspaper, the Jewish Forward. That sweet boy who writes for the Forward (I think he's Jewish) got a story that the High-and-Mighty-New-York-Times-Thank-You-Very-Much couldn't get.
Your secret Jewish family.
Hillary, I was so thrilled to find out that you actually met these people. But really, sweetie, I don't mean to kvetch, but couldn't you have invited them to the White House?
What, are you ashamed?
Well, now it comes out. And your secret is safe with me.
That nice boy from the Forward tells me it wasn't you who told him about your Jewish secret. But we know better, Hillary, don't we?
I mean, New Yorkers aren't like those anti-Semites in Duluth. They'll love you for being Jewish. I mean half-Jewish. Well, you know, for knowing a couple of Jews.
Just between you and me, I thought that Nita Lowey was too smart for her own good. Now that you're practically a Jew, too - and plan to live in Westchester - we don't need her anymore!
So how did you get the story out, Hillary? After all these years?
OK, I know, I know. Government secrets. Hush-hush. Don't tell me.
I'll light a Shabbos candle for you, and pray you get elected.
And if someone doesn't like it, you can tell them they can kiss my tuchis.